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Dear Gay Best Friend,
First and foremost, I must say how I truly appreciate how you always keep it real rather than tell others what you think they would like to hear. One thing that I cherish the most in this world is honesty because at the end of the day the truth will always set you free.
Where do I begin? Well, I’m a sophomore in college and I met this guy who is a year older than I last semester. While I was taking this class, two months during the semester we became acquainted we exchanged phone numbers, and we went on several dates. I never dated anyone who was the same age as I. I’ve always dated older men. On our very first date he told me that he used to have player tendencies. (That right there was a red flag) but my naive behind wanted to give this man the benefit of the doubt silly me. SMH.
He introduced me to his inner circle of friends, but he still hasn’t brought me inside of his house, nor have I met any of his family. So, as we were still in the midst of getting to know each other, one day we went to go see a movie and I asked to borrow his phone and I noticed that I was stored in his contact list under “work” and not “mobile” along with “some other females” (that was red flag number two). Yet, again I gave him the benefit of the doubt. So, it was my birthday, he took me out and we spent the whole day together that day and one thing led to another and BOOM the unthinkable happened. The next day after it happened, we went out to the park for a jog, and I asked him what was the status of the relationship and he said, “That we were heading in the right path,” and, “Am I still his baby girl?” During our first talk about the situation, I told him that I wouldn’t mind being casual if I knew where it was heading.
Two months go by and he still has not brought up the subject, and since that night, I chose NOT to be intimate with him. I must admit that I do like this man, but I feel as though he is playing with me and my emotions. The guessing game of if we are or if we aren’t was really taking a toll on my brain. So I brought it up again and I asked him what is it that he was wants? And he asked me if I saw myself being with him and I answered him truthfully and I said yes and he said, “That he didn’t mind being in a relationship” and he also said, “That we just don’t have a physical connection but we have an emotional one as well, and that he could hold a conversation with me and he likes me and blah blah blah.” Then I asked him why is it now I tell you how I feel and about the situation, and suddenly you wouldn’t mind a relationship? I felt as though he was really trying to tell me what he thought I wanted to hear but I really wanted him to keep it 100% with me.
During our second conversation about the so-called relationship situation, I told him that it seems as though he isn’t really ready for a relationship right now because he’s emotionally unavailable, and he tried to throw the good old reverse psychology in my face and said, “Oh, it’s like I’m pushing him away nonsense.” I told him that I’m grown and if he’s not willing to be serious with me I will not continue to waste my time and his as well and it’s cool and I wish him the very best of luck. So it has been exactly a week since I’ve changed my number and I haven’t gotten in contact with him yet, and I don’t think I want to either. A small part of me wants to see if there is more and if he would just be honest and the rest of me feels as though I’m wasting my time. Was there anything there to begin with? Or was he just toying with me? Should I just move on with my life? What is a woman to do? — Oh So Confused
Dear Oh So Confused,
Girl, you need help! And, I mean professional help. I mean, come on, Miss Thang! He is not playing games with you. You are playing games with him. You think you’re being upfront with him, and being Ms. I’m-On-Point-And-I’m-Girlfriend-Material. Honey, miss me much!
He has told you who he was from the beginning. My motto and theme is this, “WHEN PEOPLE TELL YOU WHO THEY ARE BELIEVE THEM. WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE BELIEVE THEM.” This is something I speak of in my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work and Having A Fabulous Life!
On your first date he told you that he had player tendencies. Then when you go through his phone, (Ms. Stalker), girl what are you doing going through this man’s phone? You are not his woman, or wife! But, you get a rude awakening and discover he has you listed under work. Hmmmm, do you need more info as to how and what he feels about you? I guess so because you continued dating him because you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt! Girl, you are a hot mess. Why are you giving him the benefit of the doubt? Oh, let me guess. You thought he wouldn’t treat you like his previous girlfriends or women in his life. You thought you could change him. LOL! Girl, I am cracking myself up.
Now, another big clue and red flag you seemed to have overlooked is the fact that he never brought inside his house nor introduced you to his family. Uhm, sweetie, you were nothing serious to him. If he was really interested in getting to know you and seeing if you were going to be his girlfriend he would have brought you into his house. But, again, he already told you he had player tendencies. He had one thing on his mind, “Hit and quit it.”
But, the ringer and kicker is the fact that after you had sex with him, you asked him where the relationship was going and he told you, “That we just don’t have a physical connection but we have an emotional one as well, and that he could hold a conversation with me and he likes me and blah blah blah.” DING! DING! DING! He’s not into you. How can you be in a relationship, an intimate relationship at that, with no physical connection?
Girl, I’m done with you. And, I’m glad you’ve moved on, but the fact that you are considering reaching out to him has me concerned. So, Ms. Oh So Confused, yes, move on with your life. He was not into you as you obviously are into him. And, stop equating sex with love. Just because a man has sex with you does not mean he wants to be with you. Nor does it mean love. Sex is just sex. So, keep it moving. Get you some self-esteem and empower yourself. There’s nothing greater than loving yourself enough and when the man for you comes along he will love you just as much. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!