Send your questions to Terrance: firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I really appreciate you giving all your abundance of knowledge without a sugarcoat to feed my ego. So, I know I can trust you to keep it real with me.
I recently started working at my old job again and ran into this guy who I used to associate myself with. I really liked him at one time, but that was like 2 years ago. Now, every time I see him I don’t know what to think. He always speaks to me but sometimes he stands really close violating my personal space, or he either stands extremely far away. He’s always asking about my love life, but when I ask about his he’s very stand-offish about it. And, the bad part about it is that he started dating his current girlfriend shortly after I caught him in secret parts of our job talking to her all the time. When I approached him on why he was doing that he started getting defensive, but he would always get mad and approach guys whenever I would speak to them, and I wasn’t even being secretive or be spiteful.
I don’t really know where this is going since we were only associating with each other years ago. It was all good when we were like best friends. I would talk to him all day on the phone until one of us went to sleep. We had everything in common. We were mutually attracted to each other and waited eight months to have sex. He said all the right things.
Then all of a sudden this chick started cramping my style. She saw how tight we were so it seems like she was try to be a clone of me in order to get him. I tried to stay in the race for his heart but I dropped out because it was getting ridiculous. It was like, if I bought him a regular slushie, she’d buy him a big gulp. I’d buy him a meal from a store, then she’d get the value meal. And, these actions started to make me mad because I thought my overall package was better than hers. So, little by little I separated myself out the equation. Since then, I bump into him all the time. He always has a smile when I’m talking to him and seems to initiate the conversation. Should I let this proceed or leave him alone? In the back of my mind though, I kind of want payback and I kind of think I can achieve it. Do you think I’m wrong? Please give me your wise insight. I need guidance. HELP! – Just Need A Lil Guidance Before I Do Something Stupid
Dear Ms. Just Need A Lil Guidance Before I Do Something Stupid,
There is a saying that I use, “Stupid is, as Stupid does.” In other words, yes, Ms. Honey, you’ve already begun doing stupid things to capture a man’s heart and attention. Why are you buying him food? He has a job! And, why are you comparing yourself to another woman saying you know your overall package is better than hers? I don’t understand why people always compare themselves to others, especially when they find out the person they are interested in likes someone else. You compare your hair saying, “Well, at least I got real hair.” And, also saying, “She/he is out of shape. They need to be in the gym.” Or, you say, “I’m smarter. I went to college. I don’t have several kids by different men.”
And, that line about you separating yourself from the equation, uhm, sweetie, I have breaking news for you, this just in – You were never part of the equation!
If your package was so tight, then why is he with the other woman? Obviously he finds something appealing about her. There is some type of connection he has with her that he didn’t have with you. And, it could be that the timing was just not right. I know so many people who may meet the greatest persons in the world, but because of personal reasons, emotional or mental incapability, they are just not ready to be in a relationship. Whatever is going on, don’t chase after someone unless they want to be chased.
In your situation I gather he likes the attention he receives from having two women compete for him. Notice how he reacts whenever you are around other men. You said he gets angry and spiteful. That is someone who is jealous. He wants you to focus on him. He wants all your attention, however, he refuses to focus on you. He refuses to give you the attention you yearn. He is playing you and his girl. He has you two at odds with one another and as typical of most situations there are two grown women fighting over a man who is causing the rift between you and the other woman. He is the problem, not the other woman. Whatever lies he is feeding her, trust me, he is feeding them to you as well. Don’t believe the hype!
Honey, no man is worth fighting over. No man who is not building you up, empowering you, or inspiring you is worth it. He should be taking you out for lunch. He should be buying you slushies, and value meals. Girl, stop spending your hard earned money on some loser who doesn’t even respect you. That’s right, DIVA, he does not respect you because if he did, he would be upfront with you about his relationship with his current girlfriend. He would not be ducking and dodging your questions. A real man will be upfront and tell you what’s going on.
You say you don’t know what’s going on, Honey, let me break it down for you. He is trying to keep you around as a back-up chick. If things don’t work out with his girlfriend, he knows by keeping you around he can run back to you with some sorry line about, “You know you’re the one for me. She meant nothing to me. I always thought about you. And, blah, blah, blah.” Tell that NEGRO to kick rocks!
In my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work and Having A Fabulous Life! I explain in several chapters what to look out for in men who are not relationship material. They do not support you. They can’t emotional or verbally express their feelings without some decoded meaning. They aren’t going to lead you on and down some path where you never know what’s going on in your relationship.
And, why do you want to pay him back? For what? Because he doesn’t want to be bothered with you. So what if you sleep with another guy. He won’t care. Or, if you try to sleep with him to spite his girl, and then try to publicly humiliate him. What will that solve? What will it prove? Girl, grow up! Be a woman and stop acting like you’re in elementary school.
So, Ms. Just Need A Lil Guidance Before I Do Something Stupid, it’s time for you to get a backbone and stand up. Reclaim your power. You are fabulous and worthy. You deserve greatness. You are created out of greatness. You are created out of love. And, that bum-who-thinks-he-is-God’s-gift-to-women needs to man up. Leave him alone. Move on. Run. Sprint. Girl, when you show your maturity in moving on beyond him, and standing in your glory, and beauty, trust me, you will attract a much better and good man for you. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!