Send your questions to Terrance: firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I’ve been married to a man for seven years who has a baby mama. She has made his life hell since we got married. She argues, keeps the kids away for years and is out right mean. Sometimes she is violent, so I urged my husband to get a restraining order.
I keep telling him that she is still in love with him. He says no, and that she has someone else. So, he recently found out that she does love him. I have zero patience. So, should I divorce him because he seems to find pleasure in knowing she loves him still? – Tired Of Baby Momma Drama
Dear Tired Of Baby Momma Drama,
Girl, you are stating the sentiment of nearly every black woman. You’re tired, fed up, and can’t take it any longer. You want the baby mama out of your hair, and preferably out of your life. Honey, I feel you, and I’ve heard some horror stories, and like yours, she seems to be your nightmare.
But, Ms. Thing, I can’t say that I feel sorry for you. I mean, you knew before you married him that he had baby mama drama. You accepted the fact he had a child with another woman, and any sensible person, or woman, would have strongly considered if the stress, aggravation, and drama would be worth it. And, for any woman considering dating or marrying a man who has a child with another woman, I’m here to tell you, DON’T! Not unless you’re ready for another woman to be in your life FOREVER!
I’m going to share a story with you, and I’ll make it brief because I’m not about long drawn out answers to quick results. My cousin, who is happily married to her husband and has been for over five years, was in your situation. At the time, he was her husband-to-be and she knew of his other children with another woman. And, like your situation, the other woman was upset that he married another woman and decided to make his life hell. Well, my cousin put a stop to it immediately. She put her foot down and she did two things. First, she confronted her husband and told him, “Uhm, I love you but I am not going to put up with the drama from YOUR baby’s mother. I am not going to allow her to mistreat me, or you. And, neither should you. If she is in love with you and wants you, then she can have you. I’m not giving up my life to have some other woman to come in and think she is going to run it, or ruin it.” FIERCE!
Then, secondly, she confronted his baby mama and told her, “This is how this is going to work. You are not going to call my house, and there is no need for you to call my house. He is my man, my husband. Yes, you do have children with him, but there is no reason for you to call him at all times of the night about silly “ish.” You can call him at a reasonable time and if – and only if – it has something to do with his children, then you can reach him on the cell phone that is strictly for your children.” (By the way, she and her husband got a dedicated cell phone just for his children.) “You won’t be coming to my house. You won’t be calling me or him out of our names. We are grown people, and women, and I’m not going to act foolish and immature. You can act a fool all alone, but if you want to have him in your children’s life, then we can all work together.”
And, you know what? She hasn’t had a problem with her since. Now, I’m not saying this may work for you, but you and your husband need to set boundaries with his baby’s mother. There needs to be a meeting of the minds to work out his situation and arrangements with her.
If he doesn’t speak up, get a backbone, or set the boundaries, then guess what? You got what you got. That is why she is running around acting silly, and doing all those things, because he lets her get away with it.
And, yes, respect and effective communication works, and it seems you and your husband do not have that. It’s imperative for any relationship for respect to be present, and powerful and open communication.
Do I think divorce is the answer? No. Why give his baby mama the privilege of thinking she came between you two? Girl, please. Obviously he loves you and married you. If he wanted to be with his baby’s mother, he would still be with her, and they would be married. Does he find pleasure in knowing she still loves him? Probably. But, at the end of the day, where is sleeping? Where does he come home to? Where is he eating? Who has his heart? Who stands by him and supports him?
Listen, Ms. Tired Of Baby Mama Drama, this is only a test in your marriage. It involves an outside entity and trust and believe, if you two work together as a team, you can overcome this. You see, the more you two, and especially you, give her attention, the more she will act out. The more she will keep doing ignorant and immature things to get attention. Give her dust. Pay her nada. But, more importantly don’t let her think she is getting to you and under your skin. She will keep digging and nagging as long as you allow her to. It’s time you give your husband an ultimatum. Tell him to get it together, put his foot down, go to court and get some type of visitation rights, and something where he can stand on. Trying to reason with a fool is just that, reasoning with a fool. Let the courts handle it, and take a cue from my cousin, and set some boundaries. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!