Send your questions to Terrance: email@example.com
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I need your help. I think I may already know the answer, but here is my situation.
I have been involved with a man for the past five years. Within those years there have been nothing but lies, excuses, and being stood up. He would call me and ask me if I wanted to catch a movie or grab something to eat. He would then give me a time as to when he would pick me up. That time would come and he wouldn’t show up. I would call and he would tell me, “I’m right around the corner.” Ten minutes would go by and he still would not show up. No call or text to say he can’t make it.
Two years ago he moved his childrens’ mother into the house his mom left him after she died. (He has his own place.) She was supposed to be helping with the responsibilities in taking care of their children. However, his son is now 21 and his daughter is 16, and every time we speak he is the one doing everything for his daughter, like taking her to the mall, taking her to the hairdresser, picking her up from work, etc. My question is what is the point of having the mother around if he is doing all the things himself and some she should be doing with her mother?
I just can’t take it anymore. I will be 50 in a few years and I don’t want to have regrets of wasted time. I have been very open and honest and have tried to discuss my concerns with him. He always seems to blow me off. Another problem I have with him is he never has time for me except ‘booty call time’ between 11-11:30 pm and, that’s maybe once or twice a month. We don’t go anywhere together, and I have never met anyone in his family. There is more, but I’m sure you can see where I am coming from. I am ready to move on with my life and let go, but he doesn’t. – Over It And Him
Dear Ms. Over It And Him,
Uhm, boo boo, you say you don’t want to have any regrets of wasted time, and you will be 50 in a few years. Well, I have a surprise for you. For five years you’ve chased after this unavailable man, who is not your man, and who you are not in a relationship with – any woman with any type of sense or sensibility can clearly see you’re being P-L-A-Y-E-D!
Girl, what is wrong with you? Are you serious with this letter? You’re wondering about a man who has moved his children’s mother into his house to help with the responsibilities of children that are 21 and 16. They are not children. They are damn near grown. And, why are you concerned about what he’s doing for his daughter? If that is the agreement and arrangement they have, what concern is it of yours? You don’t have any papers on him. You’re not married to him. And, quite frankly, I don’t know any woman who would be foolish enough to fall for that HOTMESSNESS and stick around. I don’t doubt for a nanosecond that they are sleeping together. You can wait until 11-11:30pm once or twice a month for your ‘booty call’ if you want to, but I think your girdle is a little too tight and you can’t breathe which is causing air from getting to your brain.
And, what man calls you for a date, doesn’t show up, lies and tells you he’s around the corner, and doesn’t text or call? I’ll tell you what type of man: a player. He is playing you. Girl, he is shady boots. I’ve drawn the curtains and pulled down the shades. He is beyond FIERCE with that stunt. But, you keep falling for the ole’ okey-doke. Ms. Honey, wake up and get the cold out your eyes.
In my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND, I have a chapter dedicated to women just like you. It’s called “Every Man Is Not Relationship Material: Get Up and Move On!” So, Ms. I’m Over It and Him, I am going to share an excerpt for you, and other women like you, and hopefully you will buy my book and get your life together, move on from that buster, and reclaim your fabulousness:
If a man tells you that he is not interested in being in a relationship, then guess what? That means not with you, either. I don’t care how many times he has taken you out on a date, sexed you really well, and given you late night conversation. True, his actions are saying something totally different, but, if he says he is not interested in a relationship, then he is not interested. Let him go. Do not get your hopes up thinking you can change his mind. Because the truth of the matter is, everything he is doing with you, and all the time he may be spending with you, he is doing the same with other women. They are getting equal amounts of his time.
Let him go and move on. It will save you untold time and aggravation trying to figure out why the two of you are not a couple.
If a man tells you that he has a girlfriend, but is always looking for more female friends, run, run, run! He is not faithful. That is a tell-tale neon sign that he will not be faithful to you, either. Some women actually think it’s cute to be dating a man with a girlfriend, or many lady friends, and they think they are getting one over on the unsuspecting girlfriend. Trust me, there is nothing cute about it. There is a thing known as karma. You may not feel its effects immediately, but trust me, Honey, karma will come back and bite you in the butt. Leave that man and drama alone.
If a man tells you that he just came out of a relationship, ladies, then you’d better believe he is not ready to jump into another relationship immediately. Let him have his time to grieve, mourn, or celebrate his way out of his situation. Trying to get someone to commit into another relationship when they just came out of one is a disaster waiting to happen. But some women will try to convince that man that they are not like the ex-girlfriend who did him wrong. She will not nag him like his ex, and unlike his last girlfriend, she won’t require a lot of time and attention.
Lies, pure lies, I tell you.
Think about the amount of time you needed to get over your last serious ex. If you don’t allow him the time to heal and let go of his ex, she will show up in your relationship with him. Trust me.
If a man only calls you after midnight to come over to his house, well, this is an easy one. I shouldn’t have to go any further and explain. But just in case you don’t understand, Ms. Honey, it’s a booty call. That’s right. He does not see you as a woman he would like to be in a relationship with. He only sees you as a sex partner. If that’s what you are looking for, then knock yourself out. If you are looking for a good man who respects you, move on. This one only thinks of you as a sexual being.
If a man is not willing to define the relationship he has with you, then you are not in a relationship. If every time you bring up the subject, his response is, “You’re cool,” or, “We’re just chilling,” or, “Why we got to define this?” This man is clearly not the one for you. He cannot be honest or open enough to express how he feels for you. Why would you sit around waiting on a little boy? Only a small child cannot clearly articulate their feelings. The man for you will not hesitate or clam up when it’s time to share his feelings and emotions. He will certainly be able to express if he is into you, and that you are his one and only lady.
If you have been seeing a man for over six months and you’ve never been to his home, have not met any of his friends or family members, and you are still not sure where he works, this is surely a clear indication that you don’t have a relationship with him. You know nothing about this man.
Why is he being so discreet? He is obviously hiding something. Let him go and move on. Why would you want to be with a man who is not willing to share his personal life with you? It’s not worth it to play detective and explore his background. (And I know some of you will, because you like snooping and being nosy.) If he is not forthright with basic information, just let him and his secrets go. Some things, you are better off not knowing. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!