Send your questions to Terrance: firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Gay Best Friend,
My man who I’ve been dating for five years doesn’t make love or is romantic . He doesn’t dance to music when we go out. I’ve tried talking to him about it several times. He may do it a couple of times, but that is it, and it’s back to the drawing board.
He works hard fixing cars and little house improvements on his own, but hasn’t had a job since we met. He doesn’t seem lazy, but no one hires him. He’s been in the Navy for ten years, and was married once before.
He helps me around the house a lot, and repairs my car when needed, but I have to buy the parts. He lacks the money, and the romance is not enough for me. I like to go out and dance and enjoy myself. Also, I like to dress up, but he doesn’t buy any clothes for himself and he doesn’t get a haircut unless I say something about it. I’ve thought about stepping out of the relationship, but feel guilty about it. He is a nice guy but is dry.
I need to know should I stay with this man or not. The future is not looking good. I am buying my own house and is very independent. I have a daughter and grandchild. Everything is going up for me, but he has to step up with the finances. He doesn’t have anywhere to go if I decide to put him out. Can you please give me some advice about this relationship? – Feed Up And Moving On
Dear Ms. Feed Up And Moving On,
Darling, I think you’ve already answered your own question. If you’ve decided to buy a new house, you’re independent, and he doesn’t currently contribute financially to the household then what are you unclear about?
He’s not going to change. Nothing you will and can do will make him be the man you want him to be. I don’t understand why women think they can change a man. Oh, yeah, because you think if you help him get on his feet, write his resume, look for a job for him, and clean him up, then he will see the light and come to his senses and you’ll live happily ever after. STOP THINKING YOU CAN CHANGE A MAN BECAUSE YOU CAN’T!
In my book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND, I give wonderful spiritual and straight advice to women like you who are in situations similar to yours. I suggest you go to the bookstore and buy a copy, or order my book online. It will truly help you.
But, in the meantime, I will share a piece of advice my spiritual god-mother once shared with me. She said that women date the potential in men. They see who he can be in three, five, or ten years from now, and they fall in love with who they hope he will become. And, that’s exactly what you’ve done. You’ve fallen in love with a man who you thought would be what you wanted in your dreams. Yet, the man you have is the one who is a work in progress and his progress is, uhm, well, he isn’t making any progress. He’s a mess!
Look, Ms. Honey, he hasn’t held a job since you’ve met him. You have to tell your man when to get a haircut. You have to get him to go dancing, and go out with you. He isn’t romantic nor makes love to you. You have to purchase the items for your car in order for him to fix it. And, he helps around the house. Hmmmm, sounds familiar? Yes, Ms. Thang, he is a child. You’re dealing with a grown child. What man needs to be told when to get a haircut? I mean really, girl! Come on now. You’re too old and too fabulous for this. If he isn’t willing to invest and work on himself, and depends on you to do everything, then he needs to move home with his mother. You are his woman, not his mother or sitter.
Look Ms. Fed Up And Moving On, if you want to continue to baby this man and be neglected in your love life, as well as your spiritual and emotional life, then knock yourself out. Keep whining, and complaining about what he lacks and isn’t doing because for the past five years that’s all you’ve been doing. Aren’t you tired of this tape recorder, you know, the dialogue you keep saying over and over and over again about him, and that you have on repeat? Yeah, sweetie, if he hasn’t changed in five years, trust me he isn’t going to. And, no amount of complaining, bitching, or trying to make him do something he clearly has no desire, or motivation, in doing is going to make him do it. So, dress your pretty little self up, put on you fierce dresses, your fab heels, and get to stepping out and enjoy yourself as you’ve been doing. Once you de-clutter your spiritual, emotional, and mental house, and get rid of that lump of nothingness who isn’t motivating or inspiring you. Once you clean house you will meet a man who will love going out to dance with you, and is romantic and loving. But, you’ve got to get rid of the old in order to make room for the new. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!