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Dear Gay Best Friend,
I’ve been in a relationship with a man for just under two years. We have been living together for the past nine months and we have an 11-month old son. I went on birth control after I gave birth to my son.
Later on me, and my boyfriend discussed that if I ever became pregnant again, I would have an abortion. Well, lo and behold, when my son was 9-months old, I found out I was three months pregnant. I went to the abortion clinic as we discussed, but at the end of the day I couldn’t do it.
So, now here we are, my man’s already threatened to leave me because I kept our baby, but he came around. Mainly because he doesn’t want to pay the enormous amount of child support. He’s completely detached from me, resenting every moment when we’re together. I am becoming more and more stressed out because he’s starting to stay out until 2 in the morning, and I caught him talking with an ex online.
This man is an excellent father, but turning out to be a non-supportive partner. I need to make this work. We sat down and promised that we would make things work. We’re moving into a bigger family home in 3 days, and I just want our family unit to be in sync. I’ve tried everything to make him realize that I am unhappy, from being completely open and frank, to disallowing him to be in the labor and delivery room. I’m doing something wrong, because I see no results.
Please Gay Best Friend Help! – Pregnant and Stressed Out
Dear Pregnant and Stressed Out,
Okay, first things first. You don’t need to be stressed out while you’re pregnant. Especially not over a man. We don’t do that, honey. That can cause severe damage to you and your child. So, let’s work this out.
You and your boyfriend made an agreement that if you became pregnant again that you would abort the baby. So, I’m assuming there was some clear communication and discussion around the matter. You didn’t say why you two agreed on this, but nonetheless, YOU agreed. Notice I emphasized YOU! Now, you went back on your word, kept the baby, and you’re wondering why he’s a non-supportive partner. Well, I can take a few guesses. He probably felt having another child would put a lot of pressure on him, and you, financially and having another mouth to feed would be too costly.
I’m curious to know if either of you are really ready to have and be a family? Although the two of you are playing house and acting like a family. Yes, darling, you want to play house, but don’t want the things that comes with it. You know, the kids, the responsibilities, and the challenges that comes with being a family.
But, seriously, Ms. Thang, you two need to be on the same page, and apparently you’re on opposite pages of the book. There needs to be clear communication and trust on both of your parts. Those two things are very important in a relationship, but Ms. Honey, you two clearly don’t have them.
So, as a result, he is staying out late at night. He resents you. He’s talking to his ex girlfriend online. The very thing you did, the deception you did to him, he is acting out and doing to you. Yes, I said it. He feels deceived. You went back on your word and now he feels trapped and stuck. Even though that knucklehead went ahead and wanted to start playing house and daddy while y’all were laying up. But, I digress. Does it make it right? No! However, and I will say this loudly and boldly, people are mirror reflections of ourselves. The very things you point out about him are things you need to recognize within yourself.
Look, sweetheart, you said you’re unhappy, and plan to disallow him in the delivery room, yet you want to be in sync with him as a family, and you’re moving into a bigger house. That is a contradiction as to what you want. Either you want to be a family or not! You stomping your feet, pouting, and whining is not going to make him change. And, yes, he too needs to man up and stop acting like a baby. It’s time to stop the games and do his part. However, stop drawing this imaginary line of “If you don’t do this, then I’m going to do this, and I won’t let you do this.” Ugh, girl, please miss me already!
However, I am curious to know if neither of you wanted a second child, and you went on birth control, uhm, DIVA, was he wearing a condom? Because I hope you didn’t think the birth control pills were 100% effective. I’m not even going to go there with you. So, both of you are the blame. Make him wrap it up. If you don’t want any more children after your second one, then use both methods of protection.
So, Ms. Pregnant and Stressed Out, you and your man need to sit down in the corner, yeah in the corner because you’re acting like children. Hash out the problems. Make a list of the pros and cons. Make a list of what you both want from your relationship, and if you want to be a family. If your lists are in sync, then move forward. See how you can incorporate the lists together and make your and his needs work for the greater good. If your list is completely different from his and his expectations are not in sync with yours, then it’s time to reconsider your options and if you’re ready to be a single mother raising two children. You’ve already stated that he doesn’t want to pay the enormous child support payment, but if he stays will he be staying for you and the children, or out of necessity for his pockets? Wham bam! Think about it. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!
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