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Dear Gay Best Friend,
Please bare with me. My story is quite long for there is a lot to tell so I can get the best advice.
There is this guy (“E”), of course, whom I have had a crush on since I was 15, I am now 24. It’s always just been a crush for “E” is my older brother’s best friend. But he isn’t like my brother’s other friends. He never fell into the big brother role with me as the others did. He was from a different town and I hadn’t known him for as long as the others, but it was still forbidden territory.
I’m the little sister to most and I use to kick it with all of them all the time. Last summer I ran into “E” at an outdoor music concert, it was the first time I had seen him in over 4 years and we danced and sang and had a really good time. Because of my slight infatuation with him, I knew this was my chance to, “get ‘er done,” as some may call it. I brought “E” home and the next morning we agreed not to tell anyone, because word travels fast in this town and we didn’t want my brother to find out. Now that I lived in the same town as my brother and “E” I started to see them very frequently, and he and I never mentioned what had happened.
After the incident last summer, about 2 weeks, there was this guy (“M”) who became friends with benefits, which I wanted because I didn’t want any emotional attachment to anyone. I needed to find just one guy to sleep with instead of many. Ha! Anyways, “M” started to get too close so the only thing I knew to do was blurt out I had slept with “E” (“M’s” distant friend as well). I knew that would throw “M” for a loop and become distant with me so I had to.
You may be thinking, dang what a head game, and it was. It was all a head game with “M” and I. Well, word got around to my brother and nothing really came out of it. He seemed a little disappointed at first, but “E” is a fighter and most people are afraid of him. So, I knew that my brother couldn’t freak out. Okay, so “E” leaves for Arizona for 4 months and I don’t talk to him, hear from him, or nothing, which is fine because we never established a friendship outside of my brother. (Quick side note, my brother and “E” don’t hang out much anymore because my brother is into meth and “E” isn’t, so there is a strain on their friendship).
Unknown of “E’s” return, another friend of my brother’s calls me and asks me to chill with him. Well, he was at “E’s” house. WOOT! I get to see my crush. So, I skedaddle over there and “E” is bombed. Starts arguing with his dad and his brothers and didn’t even notice I was there. When I left I said goodbye to him and he instantly calmed down and was hugging me and kissing my cheek which has never happened before, but I blamed it on the alcohol. Not even 10 minutes later he called my cell phone and we talk for 3 hours straight. We talked about everything under the sun. Within that conversation he told me he wanted to get to know me better so we agreed on that, but it was never said that we wanted a relationship or anything. We hung out the following weekend and everything was going great. His dad cooked me supper and we hung out most of the day and all night. (Yes, he still lives with his parents. LOL! It’s not an odd thing around here.)
We didn’t hook up or anything, but we did make out. After the weekend was over I was texting him about some random things and he straight up told me his heart wasn’t in it. Totally threw me for a loop after everything that previous weekend. He used the excuse of my brother and said he still wanted to kick it with me and party. UGH! I couldn’t believe it. I felt as though I pushed him away by getting to know him and texting him. So, I said cool, no hard feelings and what not.
Throughout the week I would randomly text him just to see what he was up to and if he wanted to hang out. He would never give me a straight up answer. Since we have mutual friends I saw him a few times here and there and I brought him home again and we had sex. That was ultimately my goal, to see if he would have sex with me again. Is that horrible or what?
We then agreed not to mention it AGAIN as if we were hiding something, but everyone already knew. So, I asked him to chill one day and he said we’ll see which has always happened and I said ‘okay. It was a long shot anyways’. He seemed a little thrown backwards from that and asked me what that meant. I explained to him that I didn’t like him giving me the run around and if he didn’t want to be my friend then to just say that. His reply was ‘ok’ I mean how do I read that? I can’t. So I just took it as is and now we are on yesterday. I was with some friends, shot him a text asking him what he was doing and he invited us all over. Which was crazy! I don’t’ know if he did it because I called him out, or he did it cuz’ he wanted to hang out with me. No one else wanted to go so I went by myself. I couldn’t stay long because I work at 8 in the morning, so I left at like 11 and as I was leaving Eric left to go look for his dog. While getting into our cars I said to him that I had some words for him. He then of course tried calling and I didn’t want to explain my feelings or try to get out of him what I wanted over the phone so I manipulated him over to my house.
While over there, I told him he needs to learn how to communicate better, and that I felt like he was pushing me away. I wanted to know what he really thought of me and explained that I just wanted to be his friend. Still NO ANSWERS. So I started getting frustrated and started to use psychiatry on him. I told him that I felt that he was scared to get hurt and that I thought he was threatened by me because he knows I’m a good person and I am on to his games. He did however tell me that he wouldn’t have slept with me if he didn’t have feelings for. I don’t know if that is REALLY the case in this situation or not. But, I do know he doesn’t go around sleeping with chicks. He’s always with his buddies and when there is a chick around it’s usually me.
Okay, so after trying to figure him out by communicating and getting nowhere I give him a back rub (a nice sweet backrub), and when I finished I was like my turn! Well, his friends were looking for him because he had left without saying anything and they texted me and when I told “E” that they were looking for him he just got up and bolted out the door. Didn’t say bye, didn’t say thanks. Nothing! Who the hell does that? I mean seriously, it really pissed me off. It’s like he used that as an excuse to leave, but he could have left better. I don’t get this guy and his intentions period. Is he just scared?
So, I tried calling him after he left and I shot him a text telling him I didn’t deserve to be treated that way and that he was an asshole. End of story. Now I don’t know what to do. He’s an asshole right? He’s not interested right? Is he doing it because I am like forbidden territory and its fun? I need your advice. I already know you will tell me to leave and forget about him and that he’s not worth it. But, I want to know what HE is thinking not what I should do. – Caught Up
Dear Caught Up,
Let’s make one thing clear. NO MORE LONG ASS LETTERS! I don’t have time for this ish. Chile, you need some serious therapy. No, really, you do!
You’re asking for my advice on a situation you already answered in your own damn letter. But, I will rehash it for you. No, he’s not interested. Yes, you are forbidden territory and its fun. He’s banging his friend’s sister. And, no he is not scared to be in a relationship with you. He just plain and simple doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you.
You stated that he doesn’t go around sleeping with other chicks. How do you know that? Because you don’t see other females when you are around? Well, what about when you are not around. Do you really think he is sitting at home playing with himself and twiddling his thumbs? He may be spending time with his boys and hanging out, but trust, there are some other girls sniffing around just like you did. And, that whole little game of, “You don’t say anything, and I won’t say anything.” Well, sweetie, guess how many other girls in your small ass town are playing that same game with him?
And, the many games you’re playing is ridiculous. I’m surprised no one has knocked you upside your head. As I was reading the letter I was like she can’t be 24. She’s got to be 10, 12, or 14. Why are you trying to play doctor with this man, trying to use psychology, when it’s you who needs the real therapy. Stop playing games, because truthfully and honestly, he can see through your games. I love when folks like yourself think they are getting one over on the other person, and clearly my dear, folks can see through your games.
Look, Ms. Caught Up, I strongly, and I mean, STRONGLY, urge you to buy my book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND. I’m certain you will be able to relate and learn a lot from the many stories in it. Besides, I’m not going to spend all my time psychoanalyzing your situation and then you go back to doing the dumb ish you’ve been doing all this time. You said you explained to him that you didn’t like him giving you the run around and if he didn’t want to be your friend then to just say that. His reply was, “Ok.” Basically he was telling you that he didn’t want to be with you. He was agreeing with everything you said to him. True, he’s not being forthcoming in his feelings, but that’s because he probably doesn’t have any for you. He may only see you as a side piece, or some chick he can screw whenever. He doesn’t want to piss you off, because no man is going to let any of his available pieces get away. Have you noticed that you’re always inviting him over to your house? You’re the one doing all the calling and setting up the dates? He doesn’t even call you. He doesn’t invite you over or treat you like he’s remotely interested. But, I’m sure when it’s sex involved he drops everything and is there for you. GIRL, STOP BEING NAÏVE AND GROW UP! This man is not the one for you. Let him go. You had your fun with him. You got what you wanted, which is the sex, but other than that, it’s going to go nowhere, no further than Arizona, and that small ass town you live in. Give me a break! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!