Send your questions to Terrance: firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I have been in a relationship for about four years, well sort of. My ex was very abusive mentally and physically. We have a daughter together and he has been like a father to my son ever since he was a baby. We met in the Fall when I was fresh out of high school. It was supposed to be a onetime thing, but I ended up staying the whole weekend. He was in the military then, so I was thinking of an easy life. I’m a military brat myself so I knew the lifestyle.
We moved in together after six months and everything was fine. Then I realize that he would throw me money before he would dip out all day, or let me have a friend over and he would buy drinks and wait until I was about drunk to ask if he could go out and be out all night. I was about 18-years old, so I couldn’t go to any clubs. I would be home alone all night. Then it got to the point that whatever he did was fine, but let me come close to doing it, then it’s a problem. The relationship started going downhill. I was going to school full-time, so he had to pay the rent while I paid the other little bills. One day I came home to an eviction notice saying the rent hadn’t been paid in almost four months! He acted like he didn’t know what they were talking about and said he would talk to them. Guess what, he never did. He got in trouble with work and had to stay on base for 30 days. I had to drop out of school to work and try to pay the rent. But it was too late. I had to move back in with my mom.
Then the following spring his dad died. He asked me to go to the funeral, but my granddad had passed the month before, and plus, I had just started working. So, he went back home to Alabama for the funeral. He gets back, and not even a week later his mom passes. I still wasn’t able to go. So, he went back home for her funeral. When he came back, he was a changed person. I later found out that he took another chick, who is older, to both funerals. She was giving him money, and when he was supposed to be staying on base he was sneaking to stay with her. Then he was picking me up in her car, in which he was telling me it was his homeboy’s.
He had MY son around her and going to her house. He would go to BBQ’s and not invite me, only later to find out she was there. Then I found out she was pregnant because I found a death certificate and an ultrasound picture in his wallet. Then he was wearing a necklace with a baby footprint, and he told me that his niece had a baby. But, yet, I kept messing with him because I felt I needed him. He made me feel that I needed him. He always told me, “What man you know is going to give you whatever you want?” Or, “Who else is going to love you like I do?” And I believed only he would.
Later that summer I found out I was pregnant. He was happy, but never around. He was always going out. He wasn’t in the military because he got kicked out. He would be gone weeks at a time with no phone call. But, yet, I still catered to him. He was still able to get some whenever he wanted. The other chick was still in the picture. She was giving him money, helping him find a job, buying him expensive clothes, shoes, and got him on her cell phone plan. Even until this day he’s on a plan with her. Whatever he want he runs to her.
Now, with two kids, and I’m three years wiser and tired of being choked out, spitted on, told I wasn’t going anywhere, embarrassed in front of his friends, bruised up, told that he would kill me if I leave, and smothered in front of crying kids. I simply can’t do it no more. He had to flee the state because we fought and he busted my eye because I didn’t show him any attention. He’s been gone for three and a half months. He swears he’s changed, and wants a 100th chance again. But, the love isn’t there anymore. The sex is good, but I’m not in love anymore. I took care of him for two years because he hasn’t been working. I was learning to live without him and living a life of being free. I was finally able to step out if I wanted. Now, that he’s back he wants to forget all that ever happened. But, the other girl is still in love with him and he can’t let her go. I don’t want to be with him anymore, but he won’t leave or go stay with her because he says he don’t love her and that he loves me and wants to b a family. He messed me up emotionally and crumbled my self-esteem to where I went from 160 pounds to 230 pounds. I really need help! – How To Move On
Dear Ms. How To Move On,
This has got to be a Jerry Springer episode on Hello Beautiful. I know it is. Girl, don’t play with me. Where is Jerry?
I can’t! I won’t! I refuse! You notice the three statements I declared. Ms. Honey you need you to do the same thing. Declare those three statements and get the HELL out!!!
Lawd, what must happen before you realize that he doesn’t love you, respect you, care about you, or deserves you? Chile, you sit there another minute contemplating why he won’t leave and the next thing you know you’re going to be sealed in a wooden box six feet under.
Like I said before in previous posts, I don’t condone violence, but you need to wake up, get a back bone and do like Farrah Fawcett in the burning bed and make him pay! There is no excuse for any man to treat a woman the way he has done you. Chile, I couldn’t help but SMDH as I read all he put you through, and you stayed! Really?!?!? Are you that desperate or needy of a man? Honey, honey, honey he spit on you, chocked you out, threatened you, and busted your eye, and he’s still breathing? You must don’t have any brothers, a dad, or any male friends who got your back.
I’m not going to spend my positive meditative energy counseling you when you already know what to do. You know his behavior is inappropriate, beyond wrong, and is not what love is. No man pounces on a woman, threatens her saying he will kill her if she leaves. He is not a man, he is a boy. I swear you must ride the short yellow bus EVERY DAY! He berates and beats you because for one, you allow him. Two, he can’t control anyone else but you, and men who treat women like how he does you, he needs to be locked up and sent upstate to prison so he can be someone else’s bitch. Yup, I said it. Wham Bam Boom!
But, I really want you to think about this. If he loves you so much, and you mean the world to him, and he wants to be a family, then why can’t he let the other woman go? Why is she pregnant and he’s playing house with her? Chile, please miss me with the other woman is the problem. Stop focusing on her, and focus on him. She’s not the one you should have the problem with, HE IS! He can put an end to all of this, but he won’t. But your _______________ (chile, let me stop because I was about to lose it).
Look, Ms. How To Move On, it’s 2011 and you’ve got to do better, be better, and love you. Stop playing yourself and get yourself and your kids out of this situation. Go to the police station and get a restraining order. Enforce it. Don’t be scared. It’s time to get you –ish together and make him pay! Listen, chile, he hasn’t, isn’t, and won’t change. No ma’am, no how, no way. Don’t let him come around or in your home because I don’t want to hear about you on the nightly news. Also, start saving your money so you can move. Yes, you need to move to another city, or town in your state. Hell, move across the damn country, and don’t tell him where you are. Change your cell number, and tell your family and friends to not give out your address or number to him or anyone associated with him. Get yourself back in school, get your education, so you can improve your lifestyle, which means a better paying job, home, and living environment for your children. And, you need to be in somebody’s counseling and therapy sessions. You need some help by a professional who can help you assess why you chose this man, and why you continue to run back to him, and allow him back in your life. You also need some church, spiritual counseling, and Jesus in your life. You don’t understand your spiritual worth as well as why you are unable to unhinge his spirit from yours. There is a spiritual warfare happening and you need to cleanse yourself of him, and that entails a spiritual fast, and rejuvenation. And, yes, yes, yes you need my book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND. You need some spiritual, self-help, and empowerment books to help you reclaim your life, power, and self-esteem. You don’t appreciate you, and because you don’t, then guess what, he doesn’t appreciate you. Everything he is doing to you is because you allow it to happen. Why? Go ahead and ask yourself why do you let him do this? It isn’t love. It isn’t because he cares for you. Why? Why? Why do you let him do it? And, please stop equating sex with love. So what the sex is good. Chile, you can get good sex from anyone. He is not the end all and be all. You have to recognize you are number one in your life. So, get yourself together, start praying, get to the police station, get the restraining order, go to court and get an order of child support, move on, and rebuild your life. And, if he is up in your house, wait until he goes to sleep. You know what to do! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!