Send your questions to Terrance: firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I’ll try to keep it short and simple. MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ALWAYS HATE THE MEN I DATE. I come from a pretty ‘middle-to-upper class’ (I hate the class system), education-oriented, well-travelled family, and as such have grown up in that environment globally.
(Un)fortunately, I am also the rebel of my family and society in general. I tend to have a keen interest and attraction to all things in the “no go”, “stay away from”, “he’s not good for you” zone, simply because I hate judging books by their covers. Thus, I have always been attracted to the bad boy. And I mean, most of the ‘thuggish’ guys I like, do not mesh into my world- AT ALL. This ‘attraction’ started at a really young age, of like 16-ish, I am 24 now. Obviously the parental units just figured I would ‘grow out of it,’ well I have not. And it’s to the point of no return. It’s not like I don’t like “the good, clean cut guy” but I mean, even when I have been attracted to guys like that, they have treated me like sh*t, worse than some of the ‘thugs.’ Not that I like being treated like sh*t, but the point I am trying to make is that, just because he has an education, lots of money, etc…doesn’t mean he’s a “good guy.” Now that’s with the family.
On the friend side… none of my friends EVER like hanging out with the guys that I like. And it is pissing me off. I just got into it with my BEST FRIEND, and she and I never fight because of this crap. I mean, I openly accept whoever they want me to meet, and make judgments later, for them. They won’t even hang out. And it makes it seem like I REALLY have no friends. I do not see myself changing any time soon. I like who I like. And it’s not like I’m dating guys that are putting my life in danger. The one I’m currently dating does not have a college degree, but is working, supporting his son, always motivates me, has a very encouraging personality, is GREAT in bed- nothing like that thug loving. And I mean, yes, he has a past, but who doesn’t?
So here I stand, bearing it all- a 24-year old, with a honors bachelor of arts degree in 2 majors, well-travelled, hard-working sister, who loves them in blue jeans, white/black tees, gully, sometimes tatted with gangster-isms; except I see more, but no one understands that. I mean I get it- could these men give me the life I have grown up in? Probably not- but for the moment- this is MY life and I will give MYSELF that life. All I want is love, and I can’t help who I like. Am I sniffing around in the wrong kennel? – Ivy League QT
Dear Ms. Ivy League QT,
Yeah, you are a bourgeois bitch, using all them damn air quotes. I can see you now, flicking your hair behind your back, and putting up your fore-fingers to illustrate your point. Ugh! I love you, but I hate you!
Look, you seem to know what you want, and who you want it from. I love you for it. You’re smart, educated, got some sense, and seem to be enjoying life with whomever she pleases. Go on girl and knock yourself out.
But, I do understand your parents and friends concern. Yes, and as you’ve stated, the men you are attracted to and date probably cannot afford to give you the life you are accustomed. They probably cannot travel out of the country, let alone the state, with their felony records. But, I digress. The point I’m making is that your family and friends are concerned only simply because they care about you. They don’t want to see you hurt, or your life in danger, ‘cause the type of men you’re describing, chile, you better be careful going up in the hood looking for a thugged-out gangsta.
Your parents and friends want what’s best for you. But, I agree with you, only you know what’s best for you. It’s no one’s business who you date, love, and spend time with, not until it becomes emotionally, physically, and mentally abusive. Then, I would understand where they are coming from and why they are concerned.
There is a chapter in my book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND, very similar to your situation whereas a very wealthy friend of mines loves men who come from sordid backgrounds and with the urban and hood element. That’s just who she is and what she likes. I don’t judge her for it, nor do I make her wrong. But, I have noticed a pattern and it goes something like this – whenever they go out to fancy restaurants or she introduces them to things they’ve never done before, they generally are not interested or can’t afford to take her to those places, thus she ends up paying. If she desires to go the Hampton’s or Martha’s Vineyard, uhm, guess what, they can’t get the time off work because they are blue-collar workers, and can’t take those days off randomly as she can. Or, they don’t want to go to those bougie places because they feel out of place. Then there is dealing with baby momma drama. She is totally not into fighting, arguing, or lowering her standards to argue with Shenequa, Tanashia, or Mercedes. You get my drift? So, my friend, and I’m sure you’re the same way, will move on to the next thug guy who catches her attention.
And, I understand what you mean by getting your thug loving, trust me girl, I knows a lot about some thug loving. WHEW! I need a cold shower!
Look, Ms. Ivy League QT, I say love who you love and enjoy it, but also make sure to know what you truly desire and need. There is nothing wrong with two people, from varied backgrounds, coming together producing love and being in love. You can’t pick who you fall in love with. If only life, and love, was that simple. I think you should sit down with your friend, and without any arguing or drama, express to her what you’ve said to me. Explain to her why you feel the way you do about the men you date. Explain to her why you are attracted to thug guys with swagger, style, and gully-ness. I mean you really don’t owe anyone an explanation, but if you love your friend, and don’t want anything to come between you two, then a simple conversation would suffice. And, the man you’re currently dating seems to be a good guy. You said he motivates you, he works, has a great personality, puts it down in the bedroom, and takes care of his child, which I normally don’t advocate women without children dating men with children because of the baby momma drama, but enjoy it for now and have fun. So, drop the top on your convertible BMW and whisk your man away to the Hampton’s or Martha’s Vineyard for the weekend, and enjoy your groove! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Are you open to dating someone who your friends and family may find unacceptable?
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!