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Dear Gay Best Friend,
I read your posts daily and love the advice you give to others, I’m hoping you can help me with my issue as I really don’t know where else to turn.
Back in July of 2009 I began dating a wonderful guy 6 years older than myself (I was 22, he was 28). We went through a lot together from that point on, dealing with my terrible roommate issues, me finding a “real job” (I was just out of college), and various family problems on both sides. He helped me through it all and I really don’t think I could have done it without him; he’s very supportive and understanding and just overall in tune with my feelings; something I have never ever had before in a relationship.
In May of 2010 we moved in together. Everything was going really well, but about 3 months later I decided I couldn’t continue on in the relationship. I didn’t think that he could give me what I was searching for in the long-term and allow me to make bigger moves for myself. A bit of back-story, I am white and he is Black. I graduated from a prestigious NC University and he is a HS graduate working as Teacher’s Aide for disabled children. I drive and own my own car; he has neither a license nor car. He also smokes weed, a lot. I’m not saying I don’t either but we’re talking a nearly $80/week habit to the point where he would rather go broke for a week and have weed than save his money. He was also great around the house and everything, but I was the one in charge and basically telling him what to do in terms of money and long-term planning.
I began to feel as if I was his mother more-so than a girlfriend at times when it came to planning out long-term goals and the future. All of these factors caused me to end the relationship under the guise that we both needed to work on ourselves and figure out what we want so we can come back a stronger couple.
Obviously he was devastated (he had put money on a ring, ugh!) and I have never been more upset about something in my life, still I thought it was something I had to do. I moved out and he moved back into our apartment with a roommate. Since then we have maintained contact. We see each other regularly and still have sex, with the understanding of monogamy.
My problem is that since that day I have not stopped thinking about him or us. I wake up every day thinking about him and go to bed doing the same. I carry around this regret of not being with him every second and I really think it’s slowly killing me. I cry constantly. I’ve gone out with other men, but I’m always comparing them to my ex. I’ve tried to bring up my feelings to him but each time I get super flustered and blubbery (I’ve never been able to control my tears well) and I never feel like I can get my point clearly across (this makes him upset and he always tell me to stop crying but I can’t help it!)
Yet, he always says that he “needs to do things to better himself so we can maybe get back together.” He has not changed a thing mind you. But at this point I don’t care, I just want him back. I’ve come to realize that he fulfilled my emotional needs so much that I can deal with everything else. He was my rock and motivation and now I feel kind of like the walking dead, just going through the motions without any direction because the situation is really consuming me. I really do believe that we are meant to be together but I don’t know what to do! I know I should walk away and try and move on with the hopes that he’ll want me back too but I can’t bear the thought of losing him. Please help me I really have no ideas but I know I can’t continue on in this painful limbo any longer. – Regret Gets Exhausting
Dear Ms. Regret Gets Exhausting,
SMDH! I bet you understand now what singer Joni Mitchell was singing about, huh? “You don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone.”
Look, I understand what you’re going through. I mean, what woman wouldn’t have done what you did? Chile, the man smokes weed every day. His habit costs him $80 a week and he’d rather go broke than give up his weed. LMBAO! Honey, he must not be bringing in that much money. He has a high school diploma with no ambition to go to college. And, it appears he had no ambition to do anything else. I mean he is 6 years older than you, and the man doesn’t have a car or driver’s license. And, by my calculations, he is 30 years old. SMDH! Why? WHY, I ASK?
But, what I don’t understand is why you want to get back with him, well, let me digress for a bit. You broke up, but say you two keep in contact, continue having sex, saying you’re monogamous, you moved out and he moved in with a roommate. Uhm, boo boo, NEWS FLASH, you’re still in a relationship with him. Y’all didn’t break up. The only dynamic that has changed is your living situation. Girl, I can’t today! Not with this nonsense. And, you say you’re the one with the degree from a prestigious NC University? You sure it wasn’t one of those “prestigious” universities in the backwoods?
Why, Lawd, why do people do these asinine things in their relationships and then expect a different result? If you moved in with him in May 2010, and you already moved out, and it hasn’t been a year, uhm, sweetie, what am I missing here? You knew what you were getting when you dated him, yet you moved in with him. Oh, yeah, here we go again, You Thought He Would Change! Girl, miss me on that dark North Carolina road you driving on.
Like you said, he hasn’t changed since you two, uhm, broke-up, no, that’s not it. Sleeping together with benefits, no, that’s not it. Chile, whatever the hell you two are doing, the point is the man hasn’t, isn’t, and probably won’t change. He is 30 years old! You are 24 years old! You can meet another man. And, let me say this loudly for you because I know how slow you can be, YOU CAN MEET ANOTHER MAN! Notice the emphasis on MAN!
You said you felt more like his mother than a girlfriend. Yes, you were his mother. He needed you to tell him what to do, how to do, and when to do it. Honey, that gets tiring. But, I want you to look deep down inside yourself and search long and hard, and ask yourself this question, ‘Do you want a man or a boy? Or, do you want a boy with a grown man d**k?’ BAMN! BOOM! POW!
But, check this out. You noticed when you moved out, he moved into your apartment with a roommate. The man cannot obviously live on his own financially. What the hell?!?!? Girl, you get back in that relationship if you want to, but don’t you dare send me another letter talking about, “I loved him and helped him get on his feet, and I co-signed a car for him and he promised to pay the note, but he isn’t I am. And, I helped him get into school, and he’s not taking it serious. He’s still smoking weed all day, and he now I’m pregnant and I don’t think he can care for me and our child financially on his $12 an hour job.”
Look, Ms. Regrets Gets Exhausting, you need to cut all ties from the man. I don’t understand folks who end relationships, yet keep in contact with their ex, and then sleep with them. Uhm, what the “F” are you doing? If it’s over, then it’s over. Move on. Let go. If you keep them around, then you definitely won’t be able to move on. And, this unofficial “relationship” you two have going needs complete closure. And, I mean close your legs, mouth, and every other open orifice he is putting that schlong in. Girl, you need to learn the difference between sprung and what emotional, mental and financially availability is. If he can’t take care of you now, he won’t be able to take care of you six months, six years, or six hours from now. You’ve said during this little hiatus where you two separated that he has not made any effort into getting himself together, even though he has told you that he needs to work on him. Please, please, please get you some self-esteem. I’m sure there is a Wal-Mart in North Carolina, where prices are always low, and you can buy you some. Stop thinking he is the end all and be all. You’ve got a lot going for you. If you don’t recognize your own greatness, power, beauty, and worth, then guess what, no one else will. And, finally, you need to stop smoking that weed because whatever hoodoo, voodoo, or shoodoo he put up in it, it’s got you acting crazee! Honey, I’m done. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
How many of you would stay in a relationship with a man who you knew could not financially support you, smoked weed every day, and had no ambition?
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Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!