Send your questions to Terrance: firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Gay Best Friend,
There is so much I need to talk to you about! I just mustered up the balls to write this so here we go. I’ve been with my husband for 7 years and we’ve had a great life together up until about 6 weeks ago when I walked in on him having sex with a 22-year old blonde bimbo. I was devastated and left the house for a week because I didn’t want to be around him.
He called me every day and I finally answered and after my cool down period I went and saw him. He begged for my forgiveness and after the most amazing sex we’ve ever had – I know that’s cliché – and I gave in but I do love him.
I caught him again two weeks later and he asked me if I wanted to try a threesome with them both…I hesitated but then gave in because I realized I couldn’t change his ways but I did not want to lose him. We have been carrying out this open relationship for the past 3 weeks and I now realize I made the wrong decision. I have only given him the impression that what he is doing is okay and now I am extremely unhappy. I would like to put all of this to a stop without losing him, please help me. – It’s Complicated
Dear Ms. It’s Complicated,
(* *) Blank stare at you! What the hell?!?! SMDH!
This is why I have been on hiatus for a while. Asinine letters from asinine women who do dumb stupid ish then want me to come in and figure it out for them in a letter. Girl, puhlease! Miss me already!
I swear the silly and dumb as a doorknob gene is running rampant in our world. And, women like you are being misdiagnosed and untreated.
If you caught your husband in bed with another woman, why did you go back? I don’t care how much pleading, begging, and over-the-top make-up sex he gave you, it does not discount the fact that he cheated on you not once but twice. And, then he asks you to join them and your stupid ass does? Oh, girl, I can’t! I can’t! I can’t!
Now, you’re involved in an open relationship with your husband and his mistress. Honey, I wish I could make this stuff up, and think we live in a world where everything is rosey-posey, and folks have some type of morals and values. But, I see with your buffoonery and ass backwards self that it’s just not the case. I bet you were dropped on the head as a baby, and then fell and bumped your head again as an adult. Do you wear a helmet to bed?
UGH! Now you’re asking my advice because after 3 weeks you’ve realized you’ve made a mistake by engaging in a three-some with your husband and his young hot tender. You think? What the hell am I asking you that question for, it’s obvious you don’t think.
Well, uhm, dumbass of the week. You can’t go to your husband now and tell him you don’t want to continue this three-some sex affair after you’ve given him the impression that it’s okay. Really? Really! Really? Now you want him to stop his sex games and be solely monogamous with you again? Girl, go sit on the edge of the mountain because I’m going to drop kick your big head ass off the mountain.
And, know this – if you give your husband an ultimatum, guess who he is going to choose? He’s going to choose his young tender over you. As a matter of fact, he already has. You were an afterthought. He didn’t think of you while he was banging chick in your house. And, in the words of Evelyn from Basketballs Wives, “You’re a non-motherf***ing factor!”
Honey, it’s time you packed up his –ish, put his ass out, and get them divorce papers in order. Clean out the bank account, sell all his –ish, and take yourself on a trip to the Caribbean. Girl, trust me, there’s no bringing him back from this fantasy. He’s too far gone, and he’s mentally and physically left you. And, he’s going to continue banging her back out, as well as some other woman he finds to be dumb enough to join their little tryst. I can’t believe you allowed yourself to get involved in that hotmess.com. Where are your values and morals? Where is your self-esteem? Girl, you sound just like another d**k sprung chick who is sharing d**k, and have allowed the man to think it’s okay. SMDH! What backwoods community or trailer park do you live in? And, I hope you’re using condoms. Lawd, I know you’re not. You’re a trifling low down dirty nut-rag just like the girl your husband is sleeping with. And, he’s just as trifling and low down. You know what, I suggest you tell him you want to have one last go round, and get the biggest dildo, and butt plug and tell him it’s your fantasy to see him get screwed, and just ram it up in him, or better yet, get a real man to do it. LMBAO! Let me stop. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!
You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!
You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, HERE!