WRNB Talk Back Question of the Day: Is it o.k. to have a sexless marriage?
If you have read this blog before, you have probably realised I have post about the causes of a sexless marriage before. An essential topic really for a blog about sexless relationships, but one hat I think need to be revisited occasionally to delve further into the issues, or explore new ones that have not been mentioned or elaborated on before.
So I thought I would post a quick summary of the main causes of sexless marriage, a distilled version of some of the comments that myself and Nancy have spoken about before, as well as some of the plain WRONG ideas that sometimes get bandied around. Then we will open it up to others to comment and contribute. It is something that is interesting to discuss because like most relationship problems, or even health problems, the root causes are what is in need of treating not just the symptoms.
Common Causes of a Sexless Marriage
- Mismatched Libido’s – This is where one person simply has a much lower sex drive than their partner. This is a mix of environmental/situational factors, but largely a genetic factor where they simply are not as into sex as their spouse.
- Mismatched Priorities – This is often the case where people are too busy to put importance on their sexual life within a marriage. This is perhaps the easiest to fix and is pretty common with new parents, or people with new jobs/responsibilities. However it can also come from a long period of simply placing less and less importance on intimacy as time goes by.
- Warring Resentments – This is the most common and can cross over with the other two as well. This is where there is a war of resentments and niggles in a relationship that builds a wall between you and your spouse. Often these problems are not even articulated and you cannot remember WHY you are both so unhappy with each other. It is like a war of tit for tat and one partner is taking the ball and going home so to speak as they can not – or will not – get in the mood because of all these issues preying on their mind.
- Emotional Trauma – Sometimes there are scars on a person psyche when it comes to sex. Rape victims often have issues being able to enjoy sex which is quite obvious. However there are plenty of horrible memories some people carry around with them that inhibit their ability to enjoy sex and give that intimacy to their lover despite their best efforts.
- Body Image – Sometimes serious changes in body image can cause a person to hate their own body enough they cannot stand to even be seen naked by their partner. Women especially after childbirth can be prone to this and often this is an irrational fear, but it is very serious in their own mind and must be dealt with delicately.
- Illness – Lastly, sometimes a condition or disorder can strike a person in a marriage and reduce their desire for sex to near zero. This can be physical injuries or sicknesses, but it can also be psychological illnesses such as depression, anxiety disorders such as agoraphobia or social anxiety, or even bipolar disorder. Whatever the problem, when your health is low, your sex drive is usually low as well leading to a sexless situation.
Now the nitty-gritty details of these marriages, whatever the major causes, will vary wildly from sexless couple to other sexless couples. However mast can be traced back to one of, or a couple of these big 6.
However sometimes people have some misinformed ideas of why a marriage is sexless. This can be dangerous so lets look at some of the misconceptions of causes of a sexless marriage.
- My partner much be cheating on me if they do not want to have sex with me! – This one is dangerous and usually wrong. While there might be some cases where this happens it would be unusual. Not to mention if they are cheating on you then there was probably one of the problems above as the cause of that too (note: not on the side of the cheater at all, just the BS reasons they use to justify their actions is all.)
- My spouse just hates sex – This is extreme, people like sex, we are hardwired to like it. There are situations such as the emotional trauma i mentioned which could make them seem like they hate sex, but if this is resolved then they usually will warm to intimacy – but it can be a hard road.
- They hate my body, that’s why they will not hate sex with me! – While there might be some shallow individuals who do, this is very unlikely for most marriages. While sometimes it can play a part in an emotional rift if serious body changes have happened and not been resolved, it is extreme to say this is the ONLY reason a marriage becomes sexless.
- They are deliberately withholding sex! – This does happen certainly in nearly all relationships at some point. It is petty and nasty and shortsighted. However, to do this enough for a marriage to be totally sexless is not quite true. This would be classed as warring resentments, but in most cases it is not deliberate – but subconscious instead.
So, there is the run down. Please comment below if you agree, disagree, or have any points to offer. If you are suffering from a sexless relationship though and are lokoing for more answer, check out Kate Dixons excellent eBook on the subject of Fixing a Sexless Marriage once and for all.