You’ve got questions? He’s got answers! Need advice?
Send your questions to Terrance: firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I have a question for you, so please do not judge me Terrance. I need your help. I am twenty years old and I have been in a relationship for almost a year and a half! You know how some women have been in previous relationships and they don’t know when the next guy is genuine or not? That was me. On top of that I was insecure. Well, around the seventh month or eighth month of our relationship, I cheated on him with another guy. Like, we had sex. I told my boyfriend what happened. But, then I didn’t know how to take responsibility for it and I lied to my boyfriend and told him I was drunk and the guy took advantage of me.
Terrance, God knows my heart and I was never like that before. Even in my past relationships I never cheated. My insecurity hit an all time low when I did cheat. Terrance, it happened seven months ago and my mind is going crazy. I don’t want to tell him because it will just be getting the guilt from my mind, and not helping the relationship. And, he is going through a lot in his life. What should I do? I think I should get over it, but I just need a second opinion. I never cheated afterwards. As a matter of fact, while I was cheating I stopped in the middle of it and began to cry. I still cheated, but I just bust out crying about how I am messing up my relationship. What should I do? – My Heart Is Heavy
Dear My Heart Is Heavy,
I feel for you because I totally understand the guilt you are feeling and the pain you are experiencing. Doesn’t it hurt when you hurt someone who loves you? The guilt eats at you and you can’t do nothing but think about it all the time. And, you know what, girl, you should feel guilty. I hope you didn’t think I was going to let you off easy. Honey, please. Your behavior and what you did doesn’t deserve a pity party. Sorry, boo, but you can revoke my invitation to that lackluster event.
Your man entrusted you to be in a monogamous relationship, and yet you cheated with another guy because of your past defunct relationships, and the men who’ve done you dirty and wrong. So, let me get this straight, you take it out on the guy who is doing right by you? Does that sound logical to you? I mean come on. What if the shoe was on the other foot? What if your man told you, “Baby, I cheated on you, but I was drunk and she took advantage of me. I love you and I’m sorry.” You will give him the side-eye, side-hand slap across the face, and the side of your behind for him to kiss as you walk out the door.
So, what do I think you should do? I think you need to tell him the truth. Yes, sit down with him, and lovingly explain what happened. Tell him what happened, and why you did it. Honey, we’ve all made mistakes. We’ve all done something we regret in our relationships, be it saying something hurtful, or doing something we didn’t really mean to do. So, sit down with your man and express to him, as you did with me in this letter, and let your heart speak. Don’t think with your head, but let your heart share. And, share it with compassion and love.
All this, ‘he’s going through something in his life and I don’t want to make matters worse,’ uhm, sweetheart, you already made matters worse when you cheated. If you’re not honest now, the next time, and trust me, something else will happen, and you will lie again. You will, yet again, not take responsibility and find the easy road out because you’ve done it before and he fell for the ole’ okey-doke.
So, Ms. My Heart Is Heavy, why not practice honest today? Stop lying to yourself, and to him. If you can be honest with yourself, and how your past hurts and disappointments have you acting out and doing things to sabotage your relationship it will be a positive step forward to building a better you, and a relationship not built on secrets, deception, and lies. Now forgive yourself, tell your man the truth, and whether or not he forgives you, at least you’ve done the work on you. And, at the end of the day what matters most is YOU! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend