Today the third installment in the Chronicles Of Narnia series, Voyage Of the Dawn Treader hits theaters and I give it an enthusiastic endorsement because every last one of the characters is high.
The story starts out with the youngest of the Pevensi kids, Edmund and Lucy bored out of their damn minds in Cambridge while their older siblings are off doing what grown teenagers do when you’re too old and horny to be in a Disney movie.
Edmund and Lucy are living with their annoying cousin aptly named Eustace Scrubb (this kid has certificates on his wall for being the cleanest person in his school) who wants them dead. Seriously, he hides under his bed writing in his diary plotting on ways to kill them. Jeffrey Dahmer would be proud.
Anyway, things get really interesting when Lucy and Edmund stare off into a painting of a ship on the water that starts to move. Yes, the ship starts floating and Lucy giggles like she is tripping on some good sh*t and then Edmund catches a contact and sees the moving ship too. Of course Eustace tries to kill their buzz but before you know it the room is filling with water and their THC induced transportation to Narnia begins.
Once they Skidoo into the painting Blue’s Clue’s style they are rescued by the now King Caspian and his ship The Dawn Treader, which is essentially the Maybach of boats.
Even though they set things right in the last two movies things in Narnia are all screwed up again. A mysterious green mist is making people disappear like Lil Mama’s career and the only way to defeat the fog (besides a top of the line humidifier from the Sharper Image) is to track down the Seven Lost Lords and lay their swords on Aslan’s table (pause).
Of course nothing is easy in Narnia and the trip takes them almost to the end of the world. Along the way they come across invisible trolls with huge feet, Sea serpents and pirates. I was almost expecting Johnny Depp to show up riding a Kraken. But the biggest battle the kids have is with them selves.
Edmund has been having wet dreams about the White Witch who filled his face with Turkish delight in the first book. You know she’s been trying to get him his manhood like The Water Boy since day one and she still puts wind in his sails from beyond the icy grave.
Lucy on the other hand wants to be grown and beautiful like her older sister and keeps rubbing her big ass ears when she gets too close King Caspian. She must be part Ferengi because those freaky aliens need condoms just to wear headphones.
Eustace goes through his metaphorical puberty in a very interesting way. I won’t spoil it but it’s just wrong for a young boy to get burned during his first time.
All in all I give The Chronicles Of Narnia: Voyage of The Dawn Treader three buzz brownies because it gives me a way to explain “Inception” to little kids and gives me an excuse to link out to “I’m On A Boat.”
Shawn Hemp is a film school revolutionary who spends his free time rewinding tapes in the basement of the last Blockbuster on earth. When it comes to movies he’s a little bit paranoid but that doesn’t mean they’re not out to get him. So he sends coded messages to the resistance in his “Half-Baked” film reviews.