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Dear Gay Best Friend,
I am a young mom of two children by two different guys. My daughter’s father is totally out of her life, but my son’s father is involved with him, but sometimes I wish he wasn’t.
On a recent doctor’s visit I was told I may have ovarian cancer. It doesn’t faze me or scare me, and if I do, I won’t seek medical treatment. I didn’t tell anyone and no one knows so far, but if I should have this cancer, I won’t tell anyone until the time is right. I have a custody agreement with my son’s father, but if I should die I will try to make it private and leave him with my parents. We have shared custody and nothing more.
When I was dating the father of my son, and when I got pregnant, I moved to Charlotte for a better job. Well, he did too, and soon after I found out he got married. It turns out that he was engaged to her while he was dating me, so now nothing he says really matters. What love I had for him is gone and he gets on my nerves. If I had to, and before I died, I’d give my son up for adoption and let him try to find him on his own. I wish I didn’t have his son, and despite the fact that I love my kids, I love my daughter more because I am still in love with her father. My son acts too much like his idiot dad and sometimes I find it hard to love him. If I could before I die tell him what a fat little faggot I think he really is, and such a joke. Sounds crazy, and I might, but I don’t care at this point. I welcome peace. And, no, I’m not depressed. I’d rather enjoy life.
Is there some way I can tell my ex what’s going on with me or do I have to? Can I just keep it to myself? What do you think? – Dying In North Carolina
Dear Ms. Dying In North Carolina,
My mouth dropped as I read your letter. My heart went out to you, and your children. I wanted to reach out and give you a hug. I felt the heaviness in your letter, and I’m sure receiving such news with no one knowing has got to be a shock to hear and deal with.
But, then I read your letter again, and again. After the third time I felt how selfish you were being and what total disregard you had for your family, friends, and loved ones. Yes, darling, you’re not getting sympathy points with me. I am pissed off. Why? Because you don’t care about anyone but yourself. I’m sorry to hear about your diagnosis, but your resigning to your fate, which is your prerogative, only serves you!
You say you won’t tell anyone until the time is right. Uhm, boo boo, the time is right NOW! Why are you waiting? Why not seek treatment? Again, it is your prerogative, but it’s not a death sentence. There are options. There are alternatives, and as you’ve stated, it’s not certain you have it. Why not seek out a second and third opinion? Honey, in 2011, you folks will learn about going to multiple doctors and getting multiple tests done.
Can you imagine the pain your family, friends, and loved ones will feel if you don’t tell them and you wait until the last moment? It will leave so many unanswered questions for them. Why not let them support and nurture you through this process? Why not allow others who love you to share these moments with you and make them happy and joyous for you? And, what about your children? You didn’t say how old they were, but to leave them motherless, and they are not prepared for your death will devastate them.
Girl, it is your life, and you can do as you please, but I went through a similar situation with a friend of mines. He didn’t tell anyone about a deadly diagnosis he received, and like you, he didn’t tell anyone. It wasn’t until he became extremely ill and was on his death bed that others learned what happened. Many of us learned of his death after he passed. I couldn’t understand why someone would do something like that, but again, everyone has their reasons for what they do and why they do it.
Now, addressing the situation with your children’s fathers. Honey, honey, honey! Really!?! You can’t love your son because he reminds you of his father, whom you don’t like? Ugh, I can’t!!! Please stop it. That is truly silly and immature. Girl, you’re trifling. Yes, I said trifling. How dare you not love your son? He is from you, and of you. You can’t blame him for your feelings that you have against his father. Why take it out on the child? Why make him suffer? Again, you’re selfish, and have no regard for anyone but yourself.
Look, Ms. Dying In North Carolina, this is your moment. If you’re feeling like you’ve made peace with your fate, then make peace with everyone around you. Don’t leave this earth and haven’t cleared up loose ends. Complete what needs to be completed. And, I agree, don’t hold back any feelings, but don’t make this an angry and bitter ending. You can resolve all issues and matters in such a way that you’re complete, at peace, and happy, as well as for those around you. Spend quality time with your children. Love them equally, and without resentment or hatred for your exes. Chile, you’re a mess, and I won’t get caught up in your selfish tirade. I also suggest you get a second and third opinion on your diagnosis. If you can, take your parents with you, or a good friend. You need a support system. I am sure this is an emotional and mental experience, and having a good base of people around you will help you deal with what’s going on. I suggest that after you’ve received the news on what you’re dealing with, then get medical treatment. Explore all the options and what options you have. Again, this is not a death sentence. But, it’s your choice. Finally, get all your affairs in order. I can’t stand when families are dealing with a family member who is ill and they are not prepared. They wait until the last minute to scrounge up money for the funeral. Then the arguing starts with who is going to pay for what, and how much each family member needs to contribute, and who’s going to get what. And you know who suffers in the end, the children. It’s just a HOT ASS MESS! Honey, get things in order with your exes, and make sure you have a will. Yes, darling, get you a lawyer and write out your last will and testament. It’s time to stop acting like the child in this situation, grow up, and make sure your children will be taken care of. It’s not about you or your exes, it’s about the children and making sure they will be left in the best possible situation. And, lastly, seek spiritual counseling. You may say you’re at peace, but getting right with yourself, is not getting right with your Higher Power, and the mess you’re planning to leave. Stop being selfish, and be self-less. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!